Since I first received help for my eating disorder I have held on to the belief that I could recover from it and still remain skinny. I thought that showing I could eat was enough for my doctors and my family to leave me alone and think I was better. I believed and hoped that only the act of eating was recovery, not the act of eating enough.
But no. I know it’s hard to be told this, but you cannot stay as skinny as you are now.
Only now do I realise that weight gain NEEDS to happen in order to be fully better and healthy again. I hate to have this knowledge but it’s a fact.
For someone with anorexia this can seem like the end of the world and, from first hand experience, I can tell you that it’s a huge, frustrating and hurtful battle to come to accept this. In fact, even now that I am in this process I sometimes feel reluctant to keep going an accept it.
This illness is very sneaky, it will make you feel like you need that skinny body to be happy. It will make your skinny, unhealthy features seem like the most important things in the world.
It’s hard. But there’s no way around it. You are going to lose sight of your bones, you may lose that gap between your thighs, you may not be able to fit your hand around your arm, you may not be able to stick your stomach in so much that you become almost invisible when turned to your side…
You need to gain weight…: read it, breathe, accept it.
So what if that ring will no longer fit on your index finger? You’ll be able to laugh, run and think without feeling so faint.
So what if that dress will no longer fit you? You’ll have enough energy to travel, explore and be free.
So what if that bone will no longer be visible? Your hair an nails will replace it with real beauty.
People will no longer look at you for your thinness but for how strong, happy and motivational you will become.
Don’t just exist. Live.