Anorexia will always tell you to wait just a little longer. You may think now that you’ll truly make an effort to recover whenever x happens. But think back. Doesn’t that sound familiar? Didn’t you tell yourself before that you’ll stop restricting when something else happened.
You didn’t stop.
You won’t stop when x happens either. Nothing will ever be enough for your illness. You’ll keep making more and more aims which may seem to help you climb up the ladder but in reality you’re just descending deeper and deeper into a life of misery, fear and unhappiness.
This can be hard to see at first, especially when you first start setting these ‘goals’. For instance, if you told yourself ‘Ok, I’m going to stop this diet/skipping meal when I manage to only have 400 calories tomorrow’. At that point you’re not really thinking that achieving that goal won’t make you as skinny as you want to or that it won’t stop your need for control. But when the time comes and you’ve done it; you’ve had only 400 calories you’ll feel pleased. Then you look in the mirror, step on the scale, remember you have an exam in two weeks… ‘I can do this again; I can do even better- 200 calories tomorrow’. These first goals therefore give you a sense of achievement and you will not view them as if they are causing harm and putting you more into the hands of the illness.
But after a while you realize that your goals are going to harm you, you realize that the anorexia is taking over you. But by then it can be too late. You may be on a hospital bed barely able to stand but you still need to wait until x to start eating even though you know your heart could stop at any moment.
It will NEVER be enough.
Nothing you do will ever please your illness. By following the goals all you are doing is helping it grow: you are nurturing a monster within you.
An important thing to remember here is that they are not strictly your goals, they are very much driven by the illness. However, although it may seem like the anorexia is driving the car (which is your mind), it is not. The anorexia is just the annoying kid trying to get hold of the stirring wheel. YOU are the one in the driving seat so no matter how influenced you may be, you can definitely grow the strength to push the little kid away from you.
So, although you may feel like you shouldn’t worry about these thoughts now because you don’t think you’re skinny enough yet or because you’ve just started restricting, AGAIN you can’t wait. You have to act on it now. At the earlier stages it’s easier to reverse them, so you should do that. Every time you find yourself stopping yourself from eating or recovering because x hasn’t happened yet, remember that the x happening won’t change you not eating.
I think that although trying to fight these thoughts can seem impossible, just acknowledging that you are telling yourself a lie may help you reevaluate the situation.
So when are you going to stop?
Remember, if you keep going your own death will become your final aim.